There are times when I catch myself thinking far too much about this practice. Not in an obsessive way, but rather, I catch myself thinking too much about an experience, trying to make something of it. Sure enough I catch myself eventually, and these days I seem to be striking a more natural balance between the work the mind needs to do in daily life, and the ability to be present to the raw, unfiltered experience of life.
Late last week, I had an experience that was very lightening to my spirit. I refrained from focussing on it too much at first, because I did not want to crush it with the weight of the story. However, I would like to share it. It is short and seemingly unspectacular.
Driving home from Aikido last week I was listening to a podcast about the 4 Noble Truths. I had been under a lot of stress lately. There were things that were happening at work, an impending test at Aikido, and concerns that I needed to be doing more at home. Again, nothing spectacular, but I had developed a heavy feeling, wondering when it was going to end. Then at some point, a forgotten line about the noble truth of suffering triggered it.
"No one is going to release me from this. I am on my own". Yup, that's it. It was not so much an articulated thought but an experience. As a thought, the words seem a bit depressing, but the experience did not feel that way. In the experience, there was a release of tension. With no one to "get me out of this", there was the simultaneous realization that I was not helpless. Instantly the light of ridiculousness was shone on any expectation I had that others were supposed to swoop in and make it okay. Again, what happened did not emerge so much as an articulated thought, but an experience. Putting it into words is making it dead and lifeless, but the experience was lively and freeing.
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