Standing

I have often heard that one of the jobs of the Zen teacher is to pull out the rug from under the student's feet,  help them up, and then pull it out again and again until the student  does not fall anymore.

The student learns to stand on their own two feet.  Stable and solid.

Lately I have become increasingly aware of those places where I am not standing on my own two feet.  Specifically, those times when I am deliberately trying to lean on others in order to stand.

I am not talking about the supports that an ordinary human being needs.  We are, by nature, social.  We work together and operate in various groups and achieve more than we could on our own.  What I am seeing are those places in which my sense of stability, success and authenticity are dependent on validation from other people.

For me, I notice it out of the corner of my mind.  At first awareness it seems like a subtle coating to moment.  When my attention turns to it, I can see the gateway into all of my fears and insecurities.

I have stood at this gate before.  Many times actually.  I generally find a quick reason to run the other way. A distraction or something big and pleasurable.

This time however, I think I will walk through that gate and stroll down its path.  It is lined with things that are uncomfortable.  But they aren't really scary.  How could they be?  They are familiar, like old friends.  They have been with me my entire life.