Sick Day

I am amazed that it has taken me 40 years to learn how to be sick.  Getting sick is no problem, I can do that without even trying, but being sick is a relatively new skill for me.

Usually, when I come down with a bad cold or the flu, I spend a lot of energy being upset at the fact that I am sick.  I yearn for the many things I would get done if I was not ill.  Of course these thoughts come up, but in the past I spent most of my sick time with them.  Sometimes I would even ignore the fact that I was sick and try to muscle my way through the day anyway.

Even if I took the day off, I would see my time alone at home as a chance to do stuff I can't normally do.  I would tell myself I was resting, but I was very busy, and continually exhausting myself.

These days, I have learned that listening to the mind to the exclusion of the body is just as bad as listening to body to the exclusion of the mind.  Nowadays, these two companions walk with me through the day.  Working together, they instantly know when it is time to lay down and time to get up.  On their own, there is a great deal of confusion.

This state of "just being" is the very essence of zazen.  On the cushion, in the bed, or driving the car.  This is the presence of mind to have the mind present.  Fully.  Fearlessly.  

When you get sick, know how to be sick.  Hopefully it won't take 40 years to learn.

Shaken

I ring in this new year with a profound appreciation for being shaken.  This is one of the primary roles played by the Zen teacher, and at this point in my life, I am very lucky to have 2 who see into me.

One of the great struggles of my life is learning to be a stable and strong individual.  I become self-critical of the extent to which I rely on some things, like the approval of friends, and rush to rely on other things, like structures and definitions.  In Zen practice, this means examining what it means to be stable, strong and an individual.

Enter the Zen teacher...

Despite what I have read, even though I have seen the words that tell how all things change and the self is more than / not this bag of skin or list of accomplishments or labels, encountering that reality manifest in a person is real and powerful.  Face to face with my teachers, these things, in a great sense, mean nothing.  They don't help.

Out of habit, all our familiar tools are applied, but there is no friction, no purchase, they don't hold.  We continue to try, but nothing works.  At this point we are exhausted.  To our small mind we have tried everything.  No options remain.  Then, still on the spot, we take a wobbly step in a new direction.

Torn open and laid bare, I am just this being, alive and trying desperately to walk across the room.  The steps taken are shaky, but they are pure.  They are me.  They are free.

In 2010, I worked on not being surprised by the range of my reactions and those of others.

In 2011, I resolve to become friendly and intimate with this raw shaken feeling.  I have my suspicion that is...  freedom.