Pain and Suffering

Earlier this week,  I dove to the bottom of a pool to retrieve a stone.  As a result I ended up with water trapped in my ear.  I couldn't get it out and neither could the doctor.  The pressure and pain came on almost immediately.  While the pain was severe, the location of the pain made it omnipresent, but not incapacitating.  I continued to work, care for my kids, play in a staff golf tournament and prep for my daughter to host a sleep over.  All while in unignorable pain.

When we engage our lives as practice, encountering physical pain gives us an opportunity to study the difference between pain and suffering.  And to be clear, there is a difference.

In this case, the pain looks like a throbbing in my left ear that amplifies my tinnitus tenfold and lets me hear my heartbeat in the painful throb.

The suffering might look like this:  

1.  "uuuuuuunnnnnngggghhh when is it going to stop? uuuuunnnggh?" (as a continual 4 hour thought)
2. the neck and upper back tension unconsciously held to accompany that thought. (so it won't get lonely)
3. "This is Bullshit!  I was just getting over a cold and now it is reasserting itself!"
4. "Damn it!  If I hadn't had that bicep surgery I'd still have sick days and could take time off to deal with this."
5. "This should be a great day!  Instead I have to deal with this crap!"
6. "Ear drops?  You'd think a doctor could just suction it out."

And on and on.  Now, as in zazen,  thoughts are going to arise.  That is not a problem.  But when these thoughts a fed, nurtured and given priority and weight, there is suffering.

When I was young, and long before I encountered Zen and a practice, I used to train in Tae Kwon Do.  I can remember harnessing some kind of Star Trek, Mr. Spock mojo to try and separate myself from my physical pain as though I was observing it from outside.  The pain still hurt just as much, but sometimes it seemed more manageable.  Although it was still there I could work with it, rather than being something that consumed my consciousness.

Today I woke up with less ringing and less throbbing.  For now at least, the big pain is gone.  I offer my practice and intention to those who deal with chronic pain, but more so to those who deal with chronic suffering.

Developing Vow

Beings are numberless.  I vow to save them.
Desires are inexhaustable.  I vow to end them
Dharma gates are boundless.  I vow to enter them
The Buddha Way is unsurpassable.  I vow to embody it.

  Over the years, I have chanted different versions of this, but it remains the most constant invocation that I use in my practice.  However, the way I hold it has changed.

It used to feel like a 'damn it all' determination from some over the top WWII movie...

Officer:  Who could we possible send?
Sgt:  I'll do it
Officer:  But it's a suicide mission!  You'll never make it!
Sgt:  Why should that stop me?  [jumps out airplane door]

yeah, it had that kind of edge to it.

These days, my understanding of this vow has more to do with the kind of mind it can cultivate.  If you set the intention to really fulfill that vow, then you need a develop patience and kindness with others, but more importantly you need those things for yourself.

While the piss and vinegar determination of that heroic paratrooper seems to give good momentum, it will eventually crash and burn, taking you with it.  The cliche that life is a marathon, not a 100 yard dash is useful here.

You can reach out to save another;  any Bodhisattva should.  However, if the other is not in the right place, they may not want to be saved, or even be aware that anything is wrong.  Our ability to receive help from others is the same way.

We can encounter a teaching, but if the conditions are not correct, we may not be in place to understand and receive it.

As a high school teacher, my job is to impart knowledge, and then send those kids along, while receiving a new group in need of the same help.  What actually is useful for them might not show up until much later in life, if at all.  As well, it is unlikely that the impact I have will be the result of some life changing lesson that I alone imparted to the student.  More likely, what I bring to the table is part of a broad fabric that (hopefully) nourishes the student and gives them a chance to grow.  In my life, the fact that I will not see the extent of this impact is a given.  All I can do is set the intention, take the vow and try to help.