Emptiness

sigh......  I should post here more often.

Right now.

Right now I am in the middle of a semester at work that has been particularly challenging.  There is poison and it is hard to deal with

Enmei is having her own challenges in returning to the classroom, and sometimes we have felt too down to be the rock for the other.  So we have held each other, both of us down, and held on.

We are on the verge of a move that has left the house 3/4 packed and with a feeling like someone has pushed a pause button on much of the activity of my life.

Yet, everything seems to be both going fast and standing still.

Enmei has just left for a three day workshop and the house seems very empty despite the activity of a teenager, her little sister an their father.

There is great activity, but there is great emptiness.

There is great activity, yet there is great silence.

It is thus, at least for now, but it is changing.

One of my working edges right now is a refocussing on my center.   Working to not be swayed by internal and external environments.

Working in this way with external environment is fair;y obvious as a process.  Even when I see myself affected by it, playing into the drama, I still know I am not these things that happen to me.

The internal environment is more difficult to work with.  I can say "I am not my thoughts" but when the anger or the sadness arises, it is more difficult to see them as something other than myself.

And so I practice.

And so I return to the center.

And so I remember to not confuse the sky with the weather.

And so I continue to work with the one point and the sky in this midst of activity and stillness.  In chaos and silence,

A New Autumn

I think it is safe to say that we, as a society, traditionally see Spring as a period of birth and beginnings, while Autumn is a period of letting go and preparation for endings.

However, my personal experience has been somewhat difference.  I am not sure it is because of the practice or if it is because I am a school teacher, but I tend to find a certain energy in the end of summer.  It is a sort of determination that carries a deep intention to improve on past weaknesses.

I have face many school years as both a student and a teacher, and although there have been a number of months, semesters and years I might rather forget, the hope of the Autumn remains unblemished.

From the perspective of Zen, Autumn is a time to turn inward.  This has nothing to do with shunning the world, but more with increasing the focus on the inward eye.  Zazen can happen at anytime or any place, but the cooling of the days has a way of providing more opportunities.

Soon, the Fall Ango will be upon us and we will be asked how we will amplify or expand our practice.  Such a decision is worthy of our attention now.  Intention tempered by reflection over time is a power thing.  Not powerful like a hurricane, but like a river that runs fast and deep in search of a great ocean that it already touches.

The end of summer deserves its share of melancholy, but only as far as it is the result of a settling of activity.

Seasons

I can remember a time in my life when things were all or nothing.  I'd plan a big change and it would work out, or it would be abandoned.  Life never really worked out that way, but that was the way I approached it.

These days I have come to recognize the seasons of things.  Rather than forcing all things into being or extinction, I find that I am getting better at noticing the shifts of things.  When to push forward, when to back off.

Appropriately enough, the this shift came gradually.  Learning to let things rest, to just be what they are until they need to be something else, is a developed skill for me.  It is not an easy thing.  It can be very difficult to not burst in and start projecting myself on a reality that does not fit my perception.  It also takes a lot of attention to make sure this does not just become passivity.

Vague enough?  Sorry.  That's the way it feels right now.  The winds are changing, or maybe it's just a gust.  We'll see.