Standing

I have often heard that one of the jobs of the Zen teacher is to pull out the rug from under the student's feet,  help them up, and then pull it out again and again until the student  does not fall anymore.

The student learns to stand on their own two feet.  Stable and solid.

Lately I have become increasingly aware of those places where I am not standing on my own two feet.  Specifically, those times when I am deliberately trying to lean on others in order to stand.

I am not talking about the supports that an ordinary human being needs.  We are, by nature, social.  We work together and operate in various groups and achieve more than we could on our own.  What I am seeing are those places in which my sense of stability, success and authenticity are dependent on validation from other people.

For me, I notice it out of the corner of my mind.  At first awareness it seems like a subtle coating to moment.  When my attention turns to it, I can see the gateway into all of my fears and insecurities.

I have stood at this gate before.  Many times actually.  I generally find a quick reason to run the other way. A distraction or something big and pleasurable.

This time however, I think I will walk through that gate and stroll down its path.  It is lined with things that are uncomfortable.  But they aren't really scary.  How could they be?  They are familiar, like old friends.  They have been with me my entire life.

Putting Aside the Button.

Today was good.

Things did not necessarily go good.

Things were not really bad.

It was just... good.

I had a moment that really anchored the day, though it happened late.  I found myself in the presence of one of my greatest conditioned responses.  I felt "OMG! here we go again" arise.  I felt my body begin to move to leave.  Then I stopped.

A small voice "what is the big deal?  Do you really need to run away from this?".  So I settled in, tuned in , listened and engaged.

Nothing happened to changed the trigger mechanism.  The pushing element continued.  I just put aside the button.

The moment and reality that I thought I "knew" so well were transformed, from the only place that it could be.  It shifted, because I shifted.

The moment, in one sense was exactly what it had always been.  But in the sense that I experience it was transformed.  Simply, subtly, profoundly.

It was a good day.

Cold Hell

What stops you? Deep down, do you know your achilles heel? It might not be so obvious. When you see it, really see it, you recognize it right away. You might even feel foolish for not really recognizing its presence there all along. Maybe you saw it all along, but didn't know its name.

I have seen mine. To put it into word, it is expectations. Yours. Who you think I should be and what you think I should do. Depending on who you are, your expectations might be a big obstacle for me. You might be the person whose expectations of me are easy for me to get over.

When this comes up strong, it is a cold hell. I am frozen, unable to move. It passes, but the odds are I missed an important moment to act during that time.

I can tell myself that I am trying to avoid being rash. It's true, but it can also be a copout.

I can tell myself that I am trying to avoid being a jerk. It's true, but it can also be a copout.

Standing on the edge and desperately wanting to act.

Act.

act.