Rinsen Sensei suggested that we post some of our thoughts on the text we are reading this Ango. In the Canadian sitting group, we have been taking turns selecting a passage and reading it to the group just before we sit, and then discussing it during tea at the end of our practice time. As a result, we have been moving through the text in a less than linear way.
As I move though the various chapters, I continue to come back to a portion of the introduction.
"By the examination of his own thoughts, emotions, concepts, and the other activities of mind, the Buddha discovered that there is no need to struggle to prove our existence, that we need not be subject to the rule of the three lords of materialism. There is no need to struggle to be free; the absence of struggle is in itself freedom. This egoless state is the attainment of buddhahood."
For me, this passage has been part of an ongoing reminder, that we make, or at lest feed our own problems. We worry; we imagine arguments and worst case scenarios. We create barriers. We build gates.
The world we encounter is just as it is. We apply the judgement and drama. Sometimes, things need discernment. Action based on clear judgement is required. However, we tend to over do it. Through a lens that is clouded by worry about the past and future and imagined transgressions, we judge and discern in ways that are excessive and unskillful.
When we...
release the tension / stop the struggle / drop the story / stop giving our energy to the drama...
we can find our grounded center, even as it floats freely in the middle of the chaos. Out of that center, we can act without struggle.
For a very long time, there were certain situations in which I could not stop struggling. If I felt that I had been wronged by others, I would have an incredible sense of entitlement to my anger. So strong an entitlement, that letting go of the anger was not an option. It deserved to be nurtured. It deserved to live.
However, when I would meet with these people, I would more often bring kindness, forgiveness and honest presence. All the anger and fighting was reserved just for me, when I was alone in the dark hours. Far from any sense of healthy indignation, this anger fueled a one man war, of which I was always the primary casualty.
I recognize the feeling of this shift much more easily these days.
Like a sigh.
Like easing into a hug as you realize you just can't do it anymore.
Like redirecting the tension and pivoting when uke comes in hard and fast.
Like the moment you release from the first stretch of the day, while still lying in bead.
This is not giving in. When the struggle stops, it is not because we curl up and wait for death. These struggles are often our attempts to make the 'then' or the 'now' be what IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE DAM IT! When we stop the struggle, we can be present to what is actually true in the moment.
Right now, beautifully, it is the calm quiet just before we put the kids to bed.
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